


Why I hate fanfiction

by Hitlertheduck



Category: all of them - Fandom
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:20:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27045637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hitlertheduck/pseuds/Hitlertheduck
Summary: I give the reason for my hatred of this medium of evil incarnate





	Why I hate fanfiction

So I’ve got a little thing that really irks me, it’s called fanfiction and it reviles every single part of my body due to how much it sickens me. Fanfiction is a disease that causes the body to decay from the inside out until you are nothing but an empty husk for insects to use as their new home. I see that you don’t believe me so let me elaborate further.

You see, I used to be a good little boy, I gave money to charity, I volunteered at the soup kitchen every week, and I worked at a retirement home. Then it all came crashing down when I started reading fanfiction. 

Now I’m a serial killer who’s wanted in 20 different countries and 4 different planets for crimes against humanity and existence as a whole. After I read all of your “fanfictions”, they forced me to go on a murderous rampage throughout all of the cosmos and kill my family in 4927593648 different universes in order to satisfy my newly gained bloodlust gained from my ship never coming true.

I also can’t feel love anymore due to having read these pieces of trash. Before I used to think that sex was something that should be gentle and done after marriage, but now I don’t play that shit anymore. Now the only thing that can get me off is 5 year old girls wearing military mech suits, gargling molten lava, flossing their teeth with the intestines of their fallen enemies, riding on unicycles, burning down historical monuments, and uttering racist remarks against the Jews the entire time while a fireman, a mime, a Power Ranger, a dinosaur, a business man, and a polar bear jerk off to them while on the planet Mars and the sun is about to crash and kill them all and the song Purple Haze by Jimmy Hendrix is playing in the background. 

I also used to be a super model whose good looks could pacify a rampaging grizzly bear but after I read this trash, now I am a giant purple jelly blob who consumes planets for sustenance and only feels pure RAGE at fanfiction for what it’s done to me and that is very very not cool. 

You might be saying to your screen right now “but Hitleeeeer, haven’t you already written a bunch of fanfiction before?” Well those fanfictions were written out of HATE for the medium. I wrote them sarcastically, posted them online sarcastically and reveled in the good reviews I got for them sarcastically all out of my INTENSE BURNING HATREEEEED for this evil medium of entertainment.

Fanfiction is not entertainment, it is an intense evil force that’s only purpose is to spread Hell across the cosmos and torch the goodness of humanity by sticking its black pincers into us and sucking out our life energy.

I see that you still don’t believe me, well I didn’t wanna have to tell you this, but you leave me no choice. 

Four years ago, I was minding my own business, reading some fanfiction and generally just being a plucky young fanfic reader when suddenly a van pulled up in my drive way. I got off of my computer and went outside to see who it was. 

It was a woman wearing a wardrobe which comprised of a short black jacket, a black t-shirt, a black miniskirt, black high heels, and her hair was also short and black, while she wore a pair of black sunglasses over her eyes.

I left my house and said to her “hello, my name is Hitler the duck, what’s yours?”

She just smiled and said “my name is Mary Sue and I’m the almighty creator of fanfiction”

I said “wow that’s amazing, why are you in my drive way?”

She chuckled, then she began to laugh before saying “I invented fanfiction as a way to consume souls and I’ve come to collect yours”

She then pulled off her sunglasses and looked into my eyes. 

Instead of having two pupils, she had two portals to Hell inside of her eyes and I could feel my body deteriorating as I looked into her eyes longer and longer until eventually I was a pink strawberry flavored jelly blob which only desired to consume flesh and worlds.

Mary Sue then got into her van and drove off a cliff or some shit like that, the point is that it made my jimmies rustled and I am quite peeved about it.

So that’s why I hate fanfiction with every fiber of my being. If you enjoyed this then subscribe and prepare to get Stuckmanized.


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